NathanJohnsonBlog.com

The Father's Garage

Recently I was overwhelmed with the vast amount of longing I live with and in most cases this lives undefined. It all happened this afternoon as I enjoyed a coffee and a book during siesta time. The book is called "The Prodigal God" www.theprodigalgod.comby Tim Keller. Tim has some great insights about the  parable Jesus taught in the book of Luke, Chapter 15 in that he describes the sin of the elder son being the same as the sin of the younger son...unbelief that the heart of the Father is good. It has been a great read but the main objective of the book was not what struck me this morning. The chapter that struck me was RedefiningHope...a chapter talking about this longing we have for home.

Although I have had moments of longing for home back in Colorado where friends and family await, it has not been persuasive enough for my heart to linger there or concentrate on what I do not have here in the Dominican Republic. God has given me the grace and wisdom to live in the moment here and declare to my soul, "This Is It" or in other words...live today in the present,for God and his children are found in the present. The reality struck me about the haunting that I tend to live with, a haunting I believe we all live with...a haunting for the eternity hidden in our hearts.

It began with a memory of a home I used to own. There is a longer story about why I do not live there now but that is not what I want to focus my energy on...rather it was the haunting. It was not even so much the home...it was the garage. The garage was un mistakenly my place to just be. It was where I smoked my pipe, enjoyed a few beers, played cards with my buddies, listened to music, worshiped God, and built things. It was always adorned with dog hair from my dog Aspen and he would always check up on me to make sure I was ok before he would slumber out for an afternoon stroll in search of the elusive rabbit. It was where I talked to God and learned to invite him into my woodworking, ranch work, and various tasks all mostly accomplished in this wonderful place. It was also a place I would work out in and write songs and poems...it was truly a place I loved to visit after work and the in-between times. My favorite time was at the end of a hard day when the sunset would begin it's display of bright and laughing colors then transitioning into more subdued hues,cerulean blue...my favorite color in the world. It was here I would think and wonder out loud, creating space for God to speak and Aspen to ask for pets and treats. It was in many ways a working man's sanctuary.

Ladies, I understand this may seem like I am falsely painting an accurate picture because for all you know a garage is just a place to put things...but for me it was much more than that. Actually I believe that Jesus is creating a place for me and that place will have a home...but a HUGE garage! You see there is a longing that I cannot quite articulate here, a wind that blows in all directions, and a story much too large in which I have been given a line to write...and I do not know how to say it...but the loss of my garage hit me in the strangest way today. I actually had tears as I remembered all this and that it is all but a memory now.

Men may know what I speak of especially if they have had this sacred space to call their own. We are territorial by nature and that is a good thing in many ways...the garage can be a touch point for God and man to interact. Jesus spent many days in his father's wood shop (or garage) and it must have been a great place to learn, talk with Joseph, and enjoy the day fading into the evening...a hard days work harbor...a place where He would pray to His true Father. I wonder if Jesus misses those days too.

Back to the tears. Really...why on earth does this come back now...here? Then I started to think of all the boys here that long for home. What do they remember? Is it a favorite tree where they could climb and swing from? Is it the food that only mom could make? I wonder what makes them stare off into the sky and talk tearfully without saying a word? We all long for the same thing but we suffer to explain the longing well enough to satisfy our soul.

There is a day coming when we will enjoy the presence of the Father. When all our hopes will be met and our tears wiped away. When we will have the pangs satisfied by the presence of the Father in the place created for us by our true Elder Brother...I hope mine is a big fat garage!

Shedding In The New Year

"I consider the old way a pile of crap compared to the greatness of knowing Jesus inside and out..."

-The Apostle Paul (Nathan's Paraphrase)

So...I am pretty glad 2009 is over, how about you? Today I have been thinking about the differences between shedding (walking a path from an old place, someone, or a way of seeing) and clothing (walking a path towards a new place, someone, or new vision). Recently I got rid of a bunch of shirts, pants,and other clothes and gave them to Goodwill. They simply do not fit me anymore as I have shed 30 pounds in the past year and feel like I am 10 years younger...or more. Early last year my friend Scott introduced me to a new way- P90X; a home workout lifestyle that is designed to help you think and behave differently. He walked this new path and simply invited me to join him. He has been a huge part of my transformation as he has personally coached and encouraged me along the way. My journey is far from being over and it has really just begun but the change is here and the effect on my life has been transformational in how I see myself, others, and most importantly God. It is a new way of freedom through deepened desire that requires shedding an old way and clothing in a new way.

Shedding is a time tested physical and spiritual journey that involves the opening of desire. New desire often calls something out of us and that is a word called repentance. The word "repentance" is a word about movement and desire. It means to turn from one direction and to go in a completely different direction. Repentance is desire in action, not simply a belief system, dream, or trying to be optimistic. It is a series of small choices each day to press the play button and engage with desire for more...and this desire is deeply spiritual and physical. I have known many people who have tried to leave an old way or an old behavior that is harmful to their whole person by only engaging in only 1/2 of who they are. Lets say the harmful way is overeating. If someone who overeats just tries to stop eating large quantities of food they will usually not see results. It involves eating healthy foods along with a desire to be healthy...not just behaving healthy. The way out is to engage with desire, and this naturally leads to a new way of thinking and doing that starves the old way...letting it die a cruel, essential, and meaningful death.

Clothing is a patient physical and spiritual hunt that involves the deepening of desire. For me, one of the more difficult questions to answer is, "What do you want?" I often find myself stuck and speechless. Sometimes I will babble a couple things that come to the surface but not usually reflecting a deep sought out desire. I have found that the problem is in long hunt for deeper desire. Most of my life the narrative that I was given was one of holding desire in contempt and mistrust. There was often a fear of what desire would do if fully engaged in and so I would often bury it with doing "good things" so as to show everyone that I am "being good" and this sent a message to my peers that I am different because I do not desire much...I do not want anything more than to be a good boy and be easily satisfied. Wow! THat was like living in a large pile of shit and telling others I was enjoying it...that I was fine.  I am beginning to ask this question first now...I start with the deep desire question. If I do not ask the question, "What do you I want...really?" I will always live in the same place and I will not shed the old way unto new life. As I ask this question it is the beginning of the deepening of desire. In prayer I go further into my heart, a new heart where God resides, lives, and moves. WHen I come out of the hunt I find buried treasures of woven gold that the Father has been holding for me...and they are new clothes that fit! He places them on me and I become who I was meant to become!

I do not want to give the illusion that walking in a new way is easy, but the choices become clearer the further in I go. The integrity is simply my spiritual and physical "choosing" in the way I really want to go. And when forget or loose track of the way I ask my Father and He gently and powerfully leads me back in the new way. So what do you want? Are you aware of your desire for more? Are you afraid of shedding an old way? My prayer is that God would remove our fear with His love...that His kind love would deepen desire for true repentance and usher in this year of double portion blessing...an overflowing new golden robe that fits!

More Than Words

I am not sure what to write today. This happens from time to time and I wonder about that.

Some things that are better without my words; holding, seeing another, a kiss, wind.

Some times words can work against me when what I need is to act. 

SOme people speak and their words mean nothing.

Others speak and deserts become gardens.

Others promise what they cannot.

SOme just cross their heart.

Others just hope to die.

SOme see the needle.

Others just cry.

More than...

WOrds.

love*

 

Until The Shine Wears Off

“Some have the pleasure of understanding the uncertain. Hope and fulfillment would have no place to dwell otherwise.”

-Keith Medley, Guitar Craftsman of Gibson Guitars

She was gray-haired and about 65 years old on this earth and one nickle short...until today. The cold beer in her hands and the sunlight striking the coin on the ground was all she could take. Feeling like today was her lucky day, she picked it up and boarded her fully sized Cadillac Denali and drove off into sunset on a quiet suburban street. A shiny new acquisition.

I guess there is always a stab inside for more.

Watching this mildly comic scene reminded me of the longing I breathe each day. It is everywhere and it surrounds me at all times. It consumes my senses with winds of a penetrating emptiness. Often I find it in my dreams where I discover myself shouting to the chasms of dark and dry valleys within...only to hear an eerie echoing from a dusty floor. In these chaotic places of hunger I am waiting for the sunshine of a Day...a Day of running in golden fields of freedom at the base of a rugged mountain, chasing the hunt and feeling the pleasure of being an heir in the Kingdom of my Father.

On the other side, Many things leave an aftertaste of longing from the same wind that brought it there in the first place. It is like listening to a favorite song and finding yourself replaying the song in a sort of humming well after the song has ended. There are few times when all is met well; longing and its fulfillment...and here in these times I find myself orchestrating a plan to put them together again with the tool of affordable grace that once brought the glimpse to my shores. The slippery message in the bottle is that "it" can be re-created. Understanding the mystery of longing is to detach from it and leave it unmet at the shores of desire and the ocean that is God. Leaving it there is painful to eyes bent on fortunes of impatience, burdensome to the shoulders yoked from the driven pursuit of power, but well suited for the children who depend on playing at the feet of Jesus.

Much of who we are comes from the dry soil of unmet longing.

We can passionately wait with wonder in our eyes, hunger in our hands and with dry lips kiss the feet of Son reaching. Or we can dig our own wells with our own tools and fashion instruments to carry the water from bitter places within or desolate places without. Christ said that apart from Him we can do nothing...meaning that we cannot sustain ourselves...we cannot sustain our own longing.

We wait...until the shine wears off.

The Full Palate: To accompany this reading please listen to "Lost?" by Coldplay from their new album Viva La Vida.