The Shadow & The Father

"There is no light without shadow and no wholeness without imperfection. To round itself out, life calls not for perfection but for completeness; and for this the thorn in the flesh is needed, the suffering of defects without which there is no progress and no ascent."           -Carl Jung, Dreams

Awareness of the Shadow- the shadows are the places we have learned to hide or repress because they brought about punishment or disapproval. It is the person I do not want to be, never want to be seen with, and it is often this person I see in others that makes me reject them often ending in some level of abandonment or persecution.

Story.

I am about 9 and I am super competitive by nature, wanting to win all the time. This was not taught by my dad, my coaches, or friends…it just flowed. I loved to win but the impending assault of punishment and disapproval by my peers and trusted adults was strong and mighty. During recess I would play football, dodge ball, or just about any game. If my team won or if I did well my punishment was loss of friendship. They would ignore me or ignore inviting me to play again. My coaches were different in that they had expectations of me to perform. I was stuck. I even remember the rage of this spilling out of me during games where the loss of friendship was not at stake and I would unload my anger on anyone that was not playing well. I would hate playing with “untalented” kids as I saw them. Later on in 7^th grade when I moved to New York I was just one of many good athletes yet I could not shake this rage that turned inward and then I saw myself as average…thus I hated myself for being average. After 3 days of basketball tryouts I looked for my name on the final cut list and it was not there…I stood motionless except for my wet eyes for what seemed like hours staggered in unbelief that I was not picked.

My shadow self began to grow, tearing me into pieces as I would deeply desire to be competitive again but never could I really shine again. I would rarely play out of freedom, rather I would play out of fear of failure of making a mistake because then I would be considered average or lacking and also I would play from a place of fear of success because I might lose friends. I remember one of the guys on my basketball team told me to shoot on the left side of the court because his side was the right side. That does not work in basketball because the game is meant for movement all over the court. I was paralyzed and decided that friendship was more important than me shining so I shot on the left side only. I cannot tell you the hell it was to live out of this divided place because I was damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Sometime I remember sweating profusely if I was called upon to take a leadership position like point guard. That meant someone else was not leading and may not be my friend again. Would I lose a friend? It also meant that I had pressure from the coach to play good or I would not get a second chance. Would I be able to play good enough to not be embarrassed? Winning became a problem either way and so I lived this way…for years! Finally getting out of the state at the end of my junior year in high school and moving to Colorado was the beginning of my healing because I was released to shoot…and I came alive in spurts and giggles…but at least it was something. My team wanted me to do well. But so much had happened in this room of my subconscious that much stayed below the surface, hiding from others, hiding from myself, hiding from God.

What makes these areas of the shadow grow like fungus among us (like mushrooms) is that they never are exposed to the light from a father. I see these shadow places within me as breathing the poison of the spirit of fatherlessness. A good Father sees you, gives you perspective and tells you it is good to be yourself no matter what friends say. A good Father takes notice of the battle waged over your heart and he sweeps down and administers justice! He becomes the defender of the defenseless. He becomes the coach not of specific sports fundamentals of dribbling and shooting but he is the coach of the heart. He teaches you that you have what it takes and with a great smile and laughter continues to put you in the game. He teaches you that if your friends reject you because you have played better than them, they are not really friends. If coaches demand perfection from you without showing they love you and believe in you then they are not worthy to lead. I have found that my real friends today like me because of who I am…that is one thing my Father has taught me. Also I have learned that my Father…he is very fond of me. May the Father of light shine, shine, and shine brighter and truer into these very scared and sacred, tender and terrible, hiding and holy places! I still need his fathering today because the shadow self will always be there in some degree because it is part of my story…but not the whole story! He says to me that all darkness is light to him and that is a good thing for the shadow to hear. Tell the story of your shadow...I would love to hear!

 

 

Comments

[Lee Maize]

Thanks for sharing your heart bro.... for having the courage to let us see the shadows and what God used to make you the man you are today. It is great to see you taking the shots and being you! Can't wait to see your score raise in the coming days.... to see what position the coach has for your next. Privileged to be on your team!

[Joleen]

To come to the realization of those deep shadows is a gift that can only be given from our Father. Thank-you God for your continued Fathering. Thank-you Nathan for sharing from those shadows that the enemy would much rather have us keep hidden and locked away. What a way to come to life! Thanks for sharing.

[Jennifer Brukiewa]

*Tears* Yes, yes! I am seeing my shadow maybe for the first time ever in the Father's light. My shadow risks moving toward people offering myself as is and not shrinking back for fear of disapproval. I am more and more choosing to live from my new daughter self freely and allow others to move freely in response, either toward me or away. I wish to harbor no resentment nor allow shame to dim my light.

For me there are two verses that have lingered around this emerging theme for the last couple of years. "When we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all our sin.” 1 John 1:7. The other is "But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life. And who is equal to such a task?" II Corinthians 2:14-16 When our own unique aroma of Christ if lived out in freedom it will repel some and attract others even within the Body (we may represent their shadow). It is not our business to control the responses of others. It is our business to live in the freedom of the Father's love, a strong incense released into the world, and then respond to others in love, even if they think we stink to high heaven! This is true humility.

I have seen such courage and boldness released in you these last few years, my brother. I rejoice and dance with you in the Father's light!

Jen B.