A Beautiful End

"When you go through deep waters, I will be with you."

-The Holy Spirit, Isaiah 43:2

 

So sorry friends, but it has been a long time since my last blog. Most of you have for good reason stopped visiting my blog but I want to write now...so away...let's go!

This will be a bit free flowing since that is about all I am capable of today, yet in a strange way I feel something guiding me to the keyboard of creation...so away I go. So how is this day finding you? For myself I feel a myriad of emotions. I have been in a relationship with an amazing woman for over 4 months and a week ago we both decided that our journey, a beautiful dance together, had come to an end. No regrets, no sin to confess, no damage...yet we have both grown in this love, in this hand held and heart led story, and in our experience of God. It is a crazy reality that I can still feel love for her, deep respect, and admiration yet know in my heart that our relationship has come to the end, much like a wild game trail disappears into the dense trees. I feel like I am standing at the edge of where my trail diverges from hers, looking back on all the good times together with tears of a deep grateful heart...I was fully emerged into beauty...and now am at lands end.

When I first laid eyes on her my heart skipped beats and then began a pattern of beats just trying to take her in. She was astonishingly beautiful, intelligent, and outspoken fun sense of humor. The further we walked together, talked in coffee shops, and played in the snow I found myself emerged into her beauty as if I discovered a tropical island for the first time. It was as if both our hearts were moving to the same rhythm, the same beat, but it was also a dance that has never been seen before. I think relationships are like that. Each one is unique because of who the dancers are in their glory and brokenness and how those worlds collide and mesh. We push and pull, swing and sway, step forward and back in all the ways we know how with the hopes that we will find the same rhythm. But just like in real life, some dances come to an end. Some dances end quickly as one or both step back in pain, while others go for awhile then drift away, and still others last forever...and that is the dance I want. We both lost our step somewhere along the way- a mystery that goes deep into our stories, yet God helped us hold the dignity of each other well, allowing us to love well without any pain. Our goal was always to honor each other and in that honoring form a culture of beliefs that gave us a safe place to continue the dance. 

When God began to show me signs in my heart that our paths were diverging, I could not believe it. I thought He had given her as a gift to my heart, and Me to hers but this dance was not one that would last because he wanted to show me something. He wanted to show me what transformation looks like. Because of a painful loss of a 13 year relationship a few years ago I never thought I could love a woman well again. The pain was so searing that it caused much of my heart to go underground just to avoid being exposed again. The path He led me down since then was one knowing something very deep inside…that I was loved by Him and that love would last forever. That love would open me up to hope, to take risk, and to enter into life with my full heart engaged again! I cannot love to be loved…it is just not in my DNA anymore. Knowing my heart is good (because of the full work of Christ) allows me to receive His love and give love to another without loosing all that I am in the midst. Being stripped of everything you once held dear gives you compassion for yourself and for others in a way that can only be lived out, not discussed in textbooks. As I engaged deeper into fellowship with Him and made decisions to step into my identity as a prince, His glory shines through my heart changing me into the man I am today and it continues to change me into the man I am becoming.

Now I am walking the early experience of grieving the loss of her. I cannot reconcile why the dance even began and why it ended the way it did. I have more questions than answers. I really do miss the way we used to be. She has a great laugh, her face makes the greatest expressions, and she carries a beauty that is like nothing I have ever seen. I am glad I actually had eyes to see her beauty, even if it was for a short time. My sadness feels pure and yet without despair. Our relationship was beautiful... but not everything beautiful lasts. There are some flowers that bloom brilliant but only for a season. Early in our relationship a good friend of mine invited me to take in all the beauty being offered to me by God through her… to move very slow and enjoy the beauty... without having to possess the beauty. This way of seeing her allowed me to hold her beauty well without having to make it mine. I breathe a deep, deep sigh.

Comments

[DJ]

Still praying for you Nathan....God has purpose in all things, and out of our misery comes our ministry, out of our pain, comes our platform. Answers may or may not come, but God's love and plan will remain. You are a chosen one! I pray that your heart is open for the next dance, the next adventure, the next mission! You are a good man, a strong man. Maybe this was just God showing you what your heart is capable of...loving a woman, rescuing an Eve. Maybe this dance was just to get you ready for the best dance yet to come. I love you brother. You lifted my spirit in more ways than you will ever know and I will continue to be by your side....DJ

[Lee]

Thanks for writing bro - for contiually sharing your heart and practicing what you preach. It is good. It is a privaledge to hear what you have to say... Like I said your heart empowered by the holy spirit is your super power.... And exposes you to krptoninte.... Thanks for taking the risks and living in it... for investing in us by telling us your story it makes all of ours richer. Your a blessing! "connect or die" love you bro!